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Saturday, November 18, 2006

Multiple-Standard Syndrome, 1.1

Newsroom in shock, two more editors airlifted to OHSU
A sense of dread spreads ... evidence mounts ... has a problem of epidemic proportions infected the state's dominant news organ?

The Oregonion has learned that Editorial Page Editor Robert J. Caldwell and Associate Editor Rick Attig of The Oregonian were medevaced to OHSU from 1320 SW Broadway yesterday in a daring rush-hour rooftop extraction. Care-givers are providing evaluation and treatment to the two editors for Multiple-Standard Syndrome, or M-SS. They have not returned to work.

M-SS is marked by the use of one set of rules for those with whom one agrees, and other rules for everyone else. It has become increasingly common in "news organizations" in the United States in recent decades. Lesser-known than the related but more-common "Double-Standard Syndrome", M-SS is pernicious, degenerative, and highly resistant to cure.

Experimental medication to treat M-SS is being developed under a pathbreaking public-private partnership at OHSU, and is showing promise of slowing the rate of degeneration, although not reversing it. The only known, partially-successful remedy for M-SS is career change.

Issue spokesperson for The Oregonian Andris Antoniskis, M.D. acknowledged without elaboration, by email, that the election-eve quarantine of Editor Sandra Mimms Rowe and Executive Editor Peter Bhatia continues into week three. According to Antoniskis, biosocial forensic experts flown in from out-of-state began pouring over The Oregonian's editorials and news articles. That's how they zeroed in on Caldwell and Attig.

Neither The Oregonian nor OHSU would answer direct inquiries from The Oregonion, however Associate Editor David Reinhard - expressing fears likely shared company-wide - said, "Truth to tell, my first stirrings of guilt came during the election itself."

Antoniskis stated that experts are evaluating editors and executives throughout the vast Advance Publications empire of lifestyle magazines, newspapers and cable properties. Advance is the owner of The Oregonian. Si and Donald Newhouse, the New York billionaire brother media magnates who own Advance, have been quarantined for M-SS at The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, since early this month.

Antoniskis disputed that an armada of Manhattan-based architects had arrived at Mayo via the Newhouses' private jets last week to set up shop at the Clinic, preferring to call it a "phalanx".

An anonymous source inside The Mayo Clinic told The Oregonion the architects are in the early phase of a hush-hush, rush-rush design-and-build project for a pentagonal compound on Clinic property named Newhouse V. The transit-oriented, high-density, mixed-use development would serve as fully-functional, in-Clinic work/living community for - what appears to be - a growing number of M-SS victims in the far-flung Newhouse media empire.

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