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Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Multiple-Standard Syndrome, 1.0

Newsrooms placed on High Alert

The Oregonion has learned that Editor Sandra Mimms Rowe and Executive Editor Peter Bhatia of The Oregonian were medevaced to OHSU late last night from their West Hills homes. Both have been diagnosed as suffering from "Multiple-Standard Syndrome" or M-SS.

This condition is marked by the use of one set of rules for those with whom one agrees, and other rules for everyone else. M-SS is a highly contagious and degenerative disease, and other executives and staff at Oregon's leading "news organ" are being evaluated.

M-SS has become an increasingly common condition in "news organizations" throughout the United States in recent decades. The World Health Organization ICD-10, the Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), and the Physicians' Desk Reference state that the only known, partially-effective treatment for M-SS is career change.

Publisher Fred A. Stickel rejected that option and announced in a one-sentence news release that Oregon Medical Association President Andris Antoniskis, M.D. has been retained by The Oregonian to investigate and contain the public health threat. In an email answer to an inquiry from The Oregonion, Antoniskis complained, "For reasons I cannot explain, I have been prevented arbitrarily from leading the team assembled to directly diagnose and treat Sandy and Peter. For now, the Editors are insisting on being examined only by brain surgeons who lack 'corrupting experience'." Antoniskis declined to describe any precautions being taken to protect other workers at 1320 SW Broadway.

Forensic biologists have identified a pathogen and traced its origins to the New York headquarters of The Oregonian's corporate owner, Advance Publications, Inc., which is owned by out-of-state billionaire media magnates Si and Donald Newhouse. Bloomberg News Service reported the Newhouse brothers have also tested positive for M-SS and Antoniskis confirmed that they have been quarantined at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN since arriving in their private jet from New York on Saturday, accompanied by Manhattan supermodels who sipped Dom Perignon and snacked on caviar from the Russian Tea House. Antoniskis would not answer questions about the possibility of MSS infection throughout the far-flung Advance empire. "I am too overqualified to answer that question," he wrote back to The Oregonion.

Experimental medication to treat M-SS is being developed under a pathbreaking public-private partnership at OHSU, and is showing promise of slowing the rate of degeneration, although not reversing it. Whether or not the new drugs gain FDA approval, Rowe and Bhatia will be covered under Measure 44, the out-of-state union-backed measure that eliminates all income and age restrictions on participation in the 100% free Oregon Prescription Drug Program. Antoniskis, however, refused to confirm that either Rowe and Bhatia have begun taking the experimental drugs, or are waiting the 30 days before Measure 44 takes effect.

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