Please visit our new blog - The Union News.

"Vote early and vote often." - Al Capone (1899-1947)

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Potentially meaningful development

Experts focus like a laser on mutation

Two more Associate Editors of The Oregonian - Mary Pittman Kitch and David Reinhard - have been removed from office and admitted to OHSU as the M-SS epidemic has now claimed eight editors at the state's dominant news organ. (Click on topics in the sidebar for a chronological review.)

Words led medical experts directly to Kitch, who has worked closely with previously hospitalized Associate Editor Rick Attig: "Property-rights Measure 37 was sold to voters with the quaver of an elderly voice. The measure was crudely drawn, but when it was approved two years ago, voters had every reason to think they were freeing some of their fellow Oregonians from a cruel time warp."

There had been concerns about Reinhard long before his celebrated "ugly experience" at the send-up motion picture Borat.

The periodic removal of pairs of editors has become routine. Over the past month, a couplet of editors from 1320 SW Broadway has been removed from office each week and sequestered at OHSU. At least four have undergone experimental and controversial stem-cell implant surgery including Editor Sandra Mimms Rowe and Executive Editor Peter Bhatia. Rumors are swirling about Pill Hill and City Hall that the owners of The Oregonian, New York billionaire brothers Si and Donald Newhouse, have been admitted to OHSU. The brothers had been quarantined at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and are said to be candidates for the experimental surgery.

Yesterday, all this was overshadowed by a potentially meaningful development in the medical investigation.

Since mid-November, biosocial forensic experts have been pouring over work product and archives at The Oregonian in a Herculean effort to determine the etiology of Multiple-Standard Syndrome, the malady that is wreaking havoc on Newhouse publications like The Oregonian. The degenerative disorder has become increasingly common in newsrooms in recent decades. The only known partial cure is career change.

Yesterday, The Oregonian's issue spokesperson Andris Antoniskis, M.D. again rejected career change as an option, and repeated that there was little to say. But he indicated progress in identifying a genetic mutation thought to be involved that could eventually lead to an effective treatment protocol.

Commenting on lab experiments conducted on The Oregonian editors' DNA by the New York-based experts, Antoniskis described a section of the M-SS victims' genome located at a position called 'M44' that has long been considered "junk DNA". A typical sequence would contain various sense combinations of A-C-G-T; instead, the editors' M44 is marked by repeats of the anti-sense sequence C-A-T.

According to Antoniskis, The Oregonian's quarantined editors are exhibiting an anti-sense behavior pattern with an uncanny correspondence to the genetic mutation:
"They become captivated by crayons and chalk, using them to spell out out simple words in large, ungainly letters. They are writing and saying 'C-A-T. See? C-A-T. Cat.' Also, they have frequently begged to 'go outside and play.' Black moods come over them at times and they throw violent tantrums. Lastly, they are tending to overindulge a newfound sweet tooth."
Multnomah County libraries were kept open late Saturday so the out-of-state experts could track leads. It is said that they were looking back into decades of print archives, indicating a possible long latency period for M-SS. A startling implication buzzed around the City - the likely presence of many previously-undiagnosed "carriers" among media professionals in Oregon and throughout the far-flung, privately-held Newhouse media empire.

The parent company of The Oregonian, Advance Publications Inc., is owned by the New York-based Newhouse brothers, and is considered the largest privately-held media empire in the nation, worth in excess of $20 billion. Advance includes a chain of highly-profitable monopoly newspapers and a stable of high chemical content, money-losing glitz and glamor magazines. Advance also owns a nascent cable TV network with profits that are in-line with the cable industry's geographic monopoly standards.

The Newhouse print properties have huge undisclosed and unfunded environmental liabilities with regard to greenhouse gas and benzene emissions but political experts predict that regulatory officials will likely turn the other cheek when confronted with legal violations out of deference to the legendary power of the elite Newhouse billionaires.

No comments:

Label Cloud